Why am I in a foul mood, you ask? To paraphrase M Night Shyamalan:

I see stupid people
They're everywhere
They don't know they're stupid
And sometimes...
They speak to me!

ANYONE WHO WALKS INTO AN AIRPORT AUTOMATICALLY BECOMES A MORON OR A JERK!

This rule includes everyone. That means the airline employees, the security people, your fellow passengers, the people who work in the shops/restaurants, the janitors, and the terrorists. Everyone! It even includes *YOU*! That's right. Leave your pride back in the car in the parking lot. Think I don't include myself in this? Yes, I'm a royal JERK today. Why? Because I'm at the airport and I'm outnumbered by MORONS!

You will discover that the number of MORONS is far greater than the number of JERKS at your average airport. The ratio of JERKS to MORONS increases exponentially, however, during an event involving bad weather. This is known as O'Hare's Law after the airport where it was first discovered.

Rule number two for traveling:

SOMETIMES, YOU WILL MEET SOMEONE WHO IS A JERK *AND* A MORON

Be careful. These are the dangerous ones.

Here is an example. Today, I was waiting in line at the ticket counter when a woman came up to me. She stated that she had no bags to check and wanted to know which line she should get in for her boarding pass. I told her that I was sorry, but I didn't know. She repeated the same question. I repeated the same answer. (a dead give away for morons) Then she started yelling, 'why won't anyone help me?' (jerk) I quickly realized the combination. I explained to her that my t-shirt did not have a Southwest Airlines logo on in, but there was someone about 20 feet away who did own such a shirt. I then questioned if God had taken away her ability to preambulate and suggested that she go yell at the person with the aforementioned t-shirt. This is a good technique. You will do much better to pass the JERK/MORON combinations off to an airline employee. They deal with them on a daily basis and understand the psychology far better than you or I ever will.

The first thing you have to understand to get you through an airport is the ticket agent. The ticket agent serves one purpose and one purpose only. They exist to get you out of their line. The concept from their point of view is to keep the line moving. Anything which interferes with this is an anathema.

There are those who believe that the ticket agent exists to help them with their travel problems. This is erroneous. Your travel problems only become a concern if they are keeping people from exiting the line. Properly understanding their motivation can help you obtain what you desire from them. For example, if a ticket agent is giving you a problem or refuses to help solve your problem, you should never get beligerant. This gives them a reason to call security and remove you from the line. Remember, removing you from the line is key here. Never give them an excuse to do so.

Rather, politely banter with them and become a pain in the rear. Find different ways to repeat yourself five or six times until they surrender and give you what you want. Why does this work? Because, the ticket agent will realize that you're not leaving the line, and will not leave the line until your demands are met. This is the most effective.

One of their favorite tricks is to say, 'Please sir. Step over here until my supervisor can assist you.' Never do this. This will remove you from the line. Once you are out of the line, you are hopeless because they have achieved their goal.

Talking to supervisors is helpful, however. Most airline employees do not know the actual rules they are suppossed to follow and so, they make them up as they go along. Talking to another individual is often helpful because they might have a different idea about what the rules actually are. This works best if you are dealing with a MORON. If you are dealing with a JERK, it is best just to move on to someone else until you get a MORON.

Security is another matter which must be covered in-depth. All security checkpoints in the United States are run by the TSA. TSA stands for Totally Stupid and Asinine. The TSA's motto is 'Complicating the simple since 2001.' They do this very well.

The TSA also has a secondary goal which they perform with optimum efficiency. Their duty is to show a large group of 20 year old Arabs who are trying to kill us that we do not hold a grudge against them. The employees do this by strip-searching as many 90 year old ladies in wheelchairs as possible. Hence, if you want to go quickly, do not accompany any 90 year old ladies in wheelchairs.

Unlike the ticket agent, the goal of the TSA employee is to keep you in line for as long as possible. If you wish to get through the line in as rapid a fashion as you are able, two things are required. First, you will need to have some common sense. Secondly, you will have to cooperate with the other JERKS and MORONS who are standing in line with you. The first is much easier than the second. Here are a few tips which should help you with a TSA checkpoint:

1) You're standing in a line. That means you have *PLENTY* of time to get yourself organized. Remove your keys/coins from your pockets. Put them in your carry-on or in your jacket. Take your laptops out of their case and put them into the little grey bins the nice TSA people are giving you. Take off your shoes. Take off you belt if you have a big belt buckle. DO NOT WAIT TO DO THIS UNTIL YOU GET TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE!!! This is where the common sense is applied. If you want to have fun, watch all the people who have been standing in line for 20 minutes and don't think about doing these things until the end. This is a good technique for identifying the MORONS.

2) Have your photo ID and your boarding pass ready BEFORE you get into the line. After you show these documents to the MORON at the front of the line, you may put your photo ID away. You will not need it again. DO NOT PUT AWAY YOUR BOARDING PASS. You will have to show this to the second moron standing behind the metal detector. They check it to be sure that you have not been selected for special screening. This rarely happens unless you are a 90 year old woman in a wheelchair. You do not need to worry about carrying your boarding pass through the metal detector. It is made of paper.

3) Do not ask the TSA MORON if you should take off your shoes. Do you see the people in front of you? Are they taking off their shoes? What makes you think you're special? OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES!!! GET USED TO IT!!! Smelling your Dr. Scholl's is noone's idea of fun. It is their job. Just shutup and do it.

4) Do not ask the TSA MORON if you can take shampoo/toothpaste/other liquids through the checkpoint. Unless you live in a cave, you already know the answer. If you truly didn't know, how could you have had the foresite to ask in the first place? (This is another good MORON identification technique.) You are allowed three ounces. It must be in a clear plastic baggie. Forcing the TSA MORON to answer this and the shoe question on a consistent basis will turn them into a JERK. Remember what we said earlier about the JERK/MORON combination? Very dangerous...

5) Do not stand in line and pontificate about the great sacrifice you are making by not being allowed to carry on your toothpaste/shampoo. THERE ARE SOLDIERS IN IRAQ/AFGHANISTAN WHO ARE DYING TO ENSURE THAT *YOU* CAN TRAVEL IN A SAFE MANNER!!! SHUT YOUR STUPID HOLE AND CHECK YOUR BAGS LIKE THE REST OF US!!!!!!!

6) When your articles come out of the X-Ray machine, MOVE DOWN TO THE END OF THE TABLE! You see, there are other MORONS and JERKS coming behind you. If you stand next to the X-Ray machine to put your shoes back on, you will be blocking them. Trust me. You walked an entire 5 foot distance in your socks. You can handle walking another 5 feet to show your solidarity with the other MORONS and JERKS who are still in line.